You ever been at a "fork in the road?" Where you are sitting there, standing there, idling there, or just there looking at the scenery around the "fork" just so you don't have to look directly at it. Your eyes glance at it to the left and then to the right, Oh look at that, a pretty flower! See how easy it can be to not address the "fork" and rather look for a spoon, a plate, a cup, or even that pretty flower. However, as with all things adult, there comes a time when your butt gets tired from sitting, your legs hurt from standing, your car is idling a lot rougher than normal, or the pretty flower is gone. There can be no more glances and avoiding. You look at the "fork", what's that, a foot moving forward, wait, what's that? The other foot moving forward. Then before you know it both feet are moving toward the fork, now only if you could get your head to come to a decision before your feet have to go to the left or to the right.
"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard"
This statement makes a lot of sense. In the trudging toward that fork in the road, your feet may stumble, trip, slightly hop to the left and right, but at the end of that terrible coordination dance, you end up making the choice you are meant to make. What if you stay right where you are? Taking no chances and holding on to the past, which could include hurt, pain, fear, stress, or that candy bar you regrettfully ate while idling in your car? What do you have to lose by taking a chance? As I see it, you lose the "old" you and gain the "new" you. Granted, with any trade off, there are some issues of having to accept things that you wouldn't normally accept or letting go of the small things that made life "comfortable."
It's odd as I sit and evaluate how far I have come in my own life, the "new" me has had to learn how to be patient (still learning that trait), hold my tongue (sometimes I should it all literal sense do this to stop myself from blurting out the most ridiculous comments), and lose a little control. Okay here it is! I feel the need to have control of everything in my life. But we know who is really in control, the Good Lord above. Him and I still have chats about that whole control thing but somehow I always lose that argument. Back to my control, I want to protect those I love and protect myself from hurt. I want to control the hurt or stress that gets thrown at them. I would even take that hurt and stress for them if I could just so they wouldn't have to deal with any of it. But odd how in the same aspect of protecting those I love I am somehow trying to also protect myself, even with taking on their hurt and stress because if I take on their hurt and stress I control how the situation will play out *see, still trying to control!*. One instance in a Starbucks drive thru comes to mind with a phrase, "You are not Les Miles and I am not the team." Instead of stopping to smell the White Chocolate Mocha Espresso that was handed to me in the midst of a cloudy day in a drive thru, I ran towards protectiveness and hit my own wall. On that particular day, I hit a fork in the road. Maybe I should have idled there for just a bit and enjoyed my coffee with a blueberry muffin.
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Pablo Picasso
Picasso sure has a way with words... I cannot get hurt, I cannot allow myself to take a chance, I cannot take a risk, I cannot deal with that chest pain with loss of breath and light headedness that I know is not heartburn. But it's time I deal with getting hurt, learning to take a risk and just jumping without dipping my toe in the shallow end of the pool (a cold pool is sometimes what you need to feel the most exhilarated with slight hypothermia), and that pesky chest pain that has the symptoms of asthma and dizziness. You ever got the worse news possible and you know that sinking feeling, tingling in the back of your neck, chest tightening, heart stopping, and lung sucking? Doesn't it just suck?! I fear that feeling. But I have to learn how to deal with the possibility of that feeling but the beauty is having faith and knowing that it won't happen again. As I see it, taking risks and letting go of the old to find and embrace the new has the biggest chances of heartbreak but the greatest reward of happiness. That's a trade off worth taking and fighting for. What's that? The terrible coordination dance just turned into a waltz....
Adventure is what happens when you just did something stupid. ~Professor Bernie
Life is an adventure. But sometimes we are too busy watching the adventure that we don't realize we can be in it.
and my personal favorite:
We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned,
so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell
This quote by Joseph Campbell should be on the welcome sign out of "Fork in the Road Town".
Don't refuse to go on an occasional wild goose chase - that's what wild geese are for. ~Author Unknown
In closing, you ever been chased by a wild goose? What fun that would be to go hunting for a wild goose and have the goose chase you?! :0) Funny how this statement is so ironic about geese. You see you could go out hunting for all that you look for and when you finally find it, you realize it's all that you want with a slight mind issue but it has some feathers missing, a slight limp from running away but it's now running at you, it could be full of dirt, but the beauty in finding the imperfections is realizing it's perfectly made for you.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
~ Bonds that Can't be Broken ~
"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what; maybe you’ll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there is also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you, sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."
I watched Bride Wars (for the 1000th time) this weekend and for the first time, I really paid attention to this quote said at the end. There was the montage of both brides smiling and hugging and it hit me... Who is that person or those people that have been standing beside you all along and there is a bond that can't ever be broken. You can find this bond in a spouse but even that bond can be tested and broken but it's that bond with a best friend or best friends that despite life and tests, you can always pick up right where you left off and say, "Girl let me tell you!" ;o)
Through life you have friends, close friends, best friends, and friends that are really enemies. The distinguishing between each group can be a hazy line. However, there is always that group and that line that is distinguished and prominent. It goes beyond best friends, it is a hand holding, shoulder crying, i hate you and you hate me, okay we are fine now let's go get Starbucks, plotting and scheming, laughing at only inside jokes you know, no word conversations but knowing exactly what is being said, finishing a statement or thought you or her began, try this drink, yuck you try THIS drink, try this dessert, YUM give me that dessert!, and they complete you (especially when they give you their dessert hehe). There are porch nights, balcony nights, road trips that are supposed to be 4 hours but turn into 8 because of the 1000 picture stops and a giant peach butt, rose bushes at midnight, 007 with a car door open and lights on, start in Alabama and end up in Florida and not sure where the wrong turn occured, dancing, matching outfits, DJ booths, late night Cane Run's, Mexican food, Star Spangled Banner, State Trooper, Median on the Interstate, spray tan, and the infamous, "What did we do? Wait we did that! OMGosh that was so fun!" mornings.
It's been my experience people and even something as petty as pageants will come in between friends that have known each other for years. However, with the friends that are truly friends will somehow reconnect again and it's like none of the bad has ever happened. You can have the worst fight imaginable and with one phone call, the hurt, the stinging words, the anger goes away and you are planning a shopping excursion with margaritas and food with the closest person or people that know you better than you know yourself.
I don't have a sister but I consider a few people in this world that I would consider my closest thing to it. Fate brought us together but God made us sisters at heart. I can turn to them at my lowest moment and my greatest moment. Doesn't matter if we are fighting or getting along, I can pick up the phone and say, "O M G!" These women are the extended family that lend an ear and at times a hug. As in Bride Wars, they are they are the person that has been standing by you all along. We are mom's, we are heroes, but we are friends, we are best friends. We like to have conversations outside of what's for dinner, where's your shoes, we need milk, or the many conversations that revolve our mommy status. We all have that need to have talks about Victor leaving Nikki on Young and the Restless, my hair is a mess and I need help who do you recommend, I need a margarita with chips and salsa, or I just need someone to listen. Someone to not say a word and let you cry, laugh, scream, sit in silence, plot revenge with you, sit on the side of you and say, "Let's do that again!", and just be there. If you have this person or people that can be there for you like this, you are blessed..... We are blessed....
I don't have a sister but I consider a few people in this world that I would consider my closest thing to it. Fate brought us together but God made us sisters at heart. I can turn to them at my lowest moment and my greatest moment. Doesn't matter if we are fighting or getting along, I can pick up the phone and say, "O M G!" These women are the extended family that lend an ear and at times a hug. As in Bride Wars, they are they are the person that has been standing by you all along. We are mom's, we are heroes, but we are friends, we are best friends. We like to have conversations outside of what's for dinner, where's your shoes, we need milk, or the many conversations that revolve our mommy status. We all have that need to have talks about Victor leaving Nikki on Young and the Restless, my hair is a mess and I need help who do you recommend, I need a margarita with chips and salsa, or I just need someone to listen. Someone to not say a word and let you cry, laugh, scream, sit in silence, plot revenge with you, sit on the side of you and say, "Let's do that again!", and just be there. If you have this person or people that can be there for you like this, you are blessed..... We are blessed....
~ Deep Breath, Eyes Close, Eyes Open, One last Glance, Turn Away, Take a Step ~
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
Do you remember when you were 8 or 9 and playing with Barbie and Ken? You had an image of the life they were supposed to have and it played out everyday in your room or living room or outside by the ditch that was a "paradise oasis." Even as a young girl, we all had a vision of how life was going to be when we grew up.
Enter: Growing up.
Growing up is never fun. Though there are moments of complete bliss, fear, confusion, happiness, sorrow, ups and downs, somehow at the end of the day we come to the conclusion that growing up is never fun. The life that we had planned for ourselves wasn't happening. Maybe the life that was had envisioned was finally coming true but then one day you wake up and something has derailed the fairytale train. Life gives little moments of sweetness when you remember so strongly that wish you made on that star on that night and oh my goodness, it's coming true and... Wait, what's that? The train went off the tracks. The sweet moment life has handed us leaves us feeling as if all the wind has been knocked out of you. What happened to that vision you had? Gone. However, turn around and what's that you see? The life you were and are meant to have. Though it is NOTHING like you had originally planned and it went the complete opposite way of the wish that you placed upon that star, you have to take a step and walk.
As we go through life, we quickly discover that no matter how many plans are made or how many wishes are put on stars, there are paths that we are meant to take. Despite the curiousity and strength and chin up determination in hand, we have the hurt of the loss of what we have lost. But what are we really mourning? Is it what we indeed did lose or the hope of what we wanted is no longer there? I think if we were to sit and really think about it the hope is what we mourn the most. The "what could have been" sits with us and the "What If's?" and the "Just Maybe's" plague us like the second piece of chocolate cake that we should not have had in our moment of despair. Don't we all wish that the chocolate cake or that tub of ice cream would take away all of the questions with no answers like it takes away the diet we have been on for the past month. Questions with no answers. I am sure as you sit and read this you can come across one time in your life where you had a ton of questions and there wasn't a single answer to any of them.
Letting go of anything, anyone, any hope, any dream, even that pair of pants that has been your set goal, is never easy. You ponder every moment, every second, every minute, every hour of what you have lost. The key is to figure out how stop pondering and look ahead. There is that saying,
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell
Every one of us has a door that has closed and sometime we glance back at it, try to walk past it and hope it opens, tip toe up to it and wiggle the door knob, knock on it, bang on it, take a huge pillar of wood and try to ram it open, kick it, lean on it and cry, and try to search with all of our might for the key that will open it. But if it's meant to be closed, there is no amount of human force or will that is going to open that door. The trick is to try and when you realize there is no getting that door open and no it's not jammed closed, you should look around and you will see that maybe there are a few doors open, some are slightly ajar, and some are closed but are unlocked. It is taking that step and saying, "Okay I will walk through that open door, peek inside that slightly open door, and I will wiggle that door knob to see if it is open."
“One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.” – Michael Cibenko
Do you remember when you were 8 or 9 and playing with Barbie and Ken? You had an image of the life they were supposed to have and it played out everyday in your room or living room or outside by the ditch that was a "paradise oasis." Even as a young girl, we all had a vision of how life was going to be when we grew up.
Enter: Growing up.
Growing up is never fun. Though there are moments of complete bliss, fear, confusion, happiness, sorrow, ups and downs, somehow at the end of the day we come to the conclusion that growing up is never fun. The life that we had planned for ourselves wasn't happening. Maybe the life that was had envisioned was finally coming true but then one day you wake up and something has derailed the fairytale train. Life gives little moments of sweetness when you remember so strongly that wish you made on that star on that night and oh my goodness, it's coming true and... Wait, what's that? The train went off the tracks. The sweet moment life has handed us leaves us feeling as if all the wind has been knocked out of you. What happened to that vision you had? Gone. However, turn around and what's that you see? The life you were and are meant to have. Though it is NOTHING like you had originally planned and it went the complete opposite way of the wish that you placed upon that star, you have to take a step and walk.
As we go through life, we quickly discover that no matter how many plans are made or how many wishes are put on stars, there are paths that we are meant to take. Despite the curiousity and strength and chin up determination in hand, we have the hurt of the loss of what we have lost. But what are we really mourning? Is it what we indeed did lose or the hope of what we wanted is no longer there? I think if we were to sit and really think about it the hope is what we mourn the most. The "what could have been" sits with us and the "What If's?" and the "Just Maybe's" plague us like the second piece of chocolate cake that we should not have had in our moment of despair. Don't we all wish that the chocolate cake or that tub of ice cream would take away all of the questions with no answers like it takes away the diet we have been on for the past month. Questions with no answers. I am sure as you sit and read this you can come across one time in your life where you had a ton of questions and there wasn't a single answer to any of them.
Letting go of anything, anyone, any hope, any dream, even that pair of pants that has been your set goal, is never easy. You ponder every moment, every second, every minute, every hour of what you have lost. The key is to figure out how stop pondering and look ahead. There is that saying,
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell
Every one of us has a door that has closed and sometime we glance back at it, try to walk past it and hope it opens, tip toe up to it and wiggle the door knob, knock on it, bang on it, take a huge pillar of wood and try to ram it open, kick it, lean on it and cry, and try to search with all of our might for the key that will open it. But if it's meant to be closed, there is no amount of human force or will that is going to open that door. The trick is to try and when you realize there is no getting that door open and no it's not jammed closed, you should look around and you will see that maybe there are a few doors open, some are slightly ajar, and some are closed but are unlocked. It is taking that step and saying, "Okay I will walk through that open door, peek inside that slightly open door, and I will wiggle that door knob to see if it is open."
“One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.” – Michael Cibenko
Today let go of what needs to be let go and hold on to everything that is worth fighting for. Learn the difference betweent the two and you will soon feel that relief.... The relief of weight that isn't on your shoulders, but on your heart. It is remarkable at the lightness your heart will feel and then you will see the door open, slightly ajar, or just simply unlocked is in there. The simple thing of allowing yourself, someone, or anything to walk through that door is the key to seeing what else is possible or waiting. The joy of life comes in the surprises that are never expected.
Friday, April 8, 2011
~ No Regrets ~
Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. ~Arthur Miller
Regret. Each day we face a "regret" somewhere in our life. We regretted that extra cup of coffee because we have a 45 minute commute to work, the pizza that, even though it smelled and tasted so good, your thighs will be hating you because of the regretful pound you have just added, that extra spoon of whip cream - wait it's just an extra spoon of whip cream - what harm will that do really?!, regretting that you loved having the wind blow in your hair with all your windows down in the car but to soon realize the wind was a storm on its way and you now have the Pacific Ocean on your floorboards and your car smells like wet feet with a hint of oh no!,a mean comment, a mean look, a lost moment, a bad choice. With all these regrets, the key is to finding the RIGHT regrets. Now to just sort through the massive box of regrets putting the wrong regrets in their pile and the right regrets in their pile and the "I really don't know if that's a regret or a I don't want to remember I did that" in their pile.
Let's look at the regrets that most can live with. We will get to the regrets that shaped us, molded us, and taught us to never pass up a chance and live with another regret. Okay the extra cup of coffee is easy! Don't drink it. Wait, that's not easy because most need that first cup to open our eyes, breathe, and function in the first 15 minutes of morning without having a warning label stuck to your butt. The second cup is for the "Awww, this day will be okay, I think, well I hope, doesn't matter, I made it through the first cup." Let's leave that regret to a need to occur basis. One never knows how the mornings will go when our feet hit the floor. Pizza! Oh my favorite regret! A Pizza Hut, Super Supreme, Extra Cheese! YUMMY! That Super Supreme leaves a Super Supreme bloat and poundage! But the cheese pulls off and hangs there from the plate to the box. What is one to do?! Well of course, seperate at the box! Can't leave the excess just lieing there on the pizza, to the side of the pizza, near the pizza. Lunch? Pizza! hehe Now this regret is easy. DO NOT ORDER PIZZA if you are even REMOTELY on a diet. You are asking for regret and sadness. You regret the choice then figure you already ate half of it might as well finish the rest. Why not? You are not a quitter and you are already sad and the last bit of mushrooms, and meats, and of course, cheese, would really perk you up! Simple regret that can be worked off with exercise (20 hours nonstop on the treadmill) and avoiding every Pizza Hut known to man. Oh and did I mention my FAVORITE at Pizza Hut - Hershey Dunkers (this is a regret I could live oh and Fudgees!). Pass over the whip cream.
Okay picture this cloudy day, wind blowing, and you decide that's it's the perfect to roll down the windows and just be one with the wind and "Life in the Fast Lane" blaring on the radio. Enter car, windows down, radio - Um no "Life in the Fast Lane," your daughter's Justin Bieber CD?!- oh well Baby Baby Baby will have to do. Interstate 70 mph, more clouds (hmmm this is a sign), more wind (another sign), wind blowing the car to the left (MAJOR SIGN), was that light..? Oh wait turn off cd, BRITNEY SPEARS on the radio! Time to Jam! As you are feeling like you are 16 with your license for the first time, singing like a Grammy winner, it never occurs to you the massive storm approaching. Pull into the driveway. Got to bob the head until the song is over, song over, car off. Get out, take a deep breath (on Cloud 9 of teenage lightness), enter house - Laundry and back to reality. The rain starts and you think it's washing away all the dirt and grime and you love the rain and it's smell and open windows and 10 minutes pass when you look out onto the yard and monsoon (hurricane force winds and battering) rain, there it is. O M G. You left ALL the windows down on your car with cloth seats, cloth everything. You run outside, wait forgot the keys (now stop a moment, doesn't it seem like the rain gets harder and heavier when you need to get to something outside), run back inside, keys where are the keys (another 10 minutes has elapsed), keys!!, run outside (you are soaked worse than Spongebob in Bikini Bottom), open the door, your feet splatter into the Bay of Campeche (spelling?), turn key, windows up, close door, run inside. Awwww, all is well. That is until you then see the sun start to come out 30 seconds after entering the door and the heat hits and you see your car becoming a sauna or plant house that will no doubt grown some sort of strange smell and fungus that could possibly cure some sort of disease. The inside of your car is drenched. Your floorboards are like little mirages of pools that your daughters Barbie's could sit by. Your seats would work well to wipe off any Jolly Green Giants countertops. And the smell. The smell starts to hit not a day later. The regret - should have rolled up the windows! Please note, roll up the windows in good weather, bad weather, unexpected weather, or whenever. Not only does rain pose an issue. Try being in a vehicle with two screaming girls because there is a Bumblebee flying around like he is in Star Wars chasing the enemy!
Then there are the regrets that nothing can fix or erase or mop or kill with bug spray or diet away from. Each day consists of each moment and all it takes is that one moment to have the biggest regret. Those regrets hit hard and stay around longer than your mildewed carpets in the car and the smell that you have had detailed over 5 times! Should have never decided the wind was a sign to be free on the interstate! Anyway, as I read that quote up above, I tried to take an inventory of every regret small or large that I had accumulated to date. I noticed as I tried to sort them, I had more bad regrets than right regrets (with a few, "I don't want to remembers"). I thought to myself, "Geeze, I really have made choices that have altered the course of my life." I wanted to say, well if I wouldn't have done that or said that, I would be in a better place. But all regrets good and bad are a part of fate. Think about it. We all have a certain path to travel and maybe regrets are part of the scenic route. They are included with the tour and you can't get out of the option to have them. Wouldn't it be nice that you would have this package option of what you wanted out of life and what you didn't and you would check off all you the things you didn't? Even though we wish things would have been different and say, "Shoulda Woulda Coulda but Didn't," we are human. The man up above has a plan for us and even though we aren't sure why we did the things we did, it's part of a greater plan. You learn from your choices and you move on. But with being human, comes with free will and regrets. Regrets about that pizza and regrets about life altering decisions. But even with our biggest regrets, we get to a point where you know that regret lead you to someplace greater. There was a sore spot in between but wait, what's that? Destiny. Looking at regrets big or small this pile or that pile will not get you anywhere. There is a reason you made the choice you did and in the end, it was meant to be that way. Guess the trick is to figure out how to accept that....
Checklist: Kaesen up with Bottle Time: Check, Girls sleep in for an extra 15 minutes: Check, "where are my shoes, belt, did you find my shirt?, lunch money (no! You are bringing a sandwich): Check, All three children and myself in car: Check, Keys? Crap, back in house, there they are: Check - Girls at school: Check, Kaesen at Sitter: Check, Traffic: Check - Work: Check - My Mind: It flew out the window while I was singing Britney Spears! :)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
~ The 80's, 90's, and Today ~
Yesterday morning was like any other morning for my little family. Girls got up, got dressed, Kaesen fed and cooing as always, rush around the house making sure that all the lights were out, head count of everyone (sometimes I accidentally count the dog!), and off we go to start our day. With everything that is going on in my life, I usually, 90% of the time, almost always, forget to stop take a breath, smile, and enjoy whatever moment I am in. However, in the middle of loading everyone and everything in the car, it hit to do something I had not done in a long time....
I am definitely not an American Idol singer and to my 3 children, I am, what some would say, a comical attempter at using my vocal ability. With each of my babies, there is a certain song I would sing to them when they were infants and toddlers. "Baby I Love Your Way". Not quite sure why I chose that song to sing to them. It began with Kaitlyn one day. When we lived in California, it was just her and I most of the time and being a new mommy, I couldn't wait to see what new facial expression she would come up with or what lesson I was going to learn on any given day (FYI: do NOT mix green peas with orange carrot baby food! The combination coming up and out of your baby is much worse than the combination going into your baby!). So one day in my "I want to be the best mommy I could be" moment, I decided to sing to Kaitlyn. And I chose that song off the top of my head. She looked at me with big eyes and a slightly curious expression as if she was trying to figure out if mommy had hurt her throat or was strangling a cat. hehe Either way, I decided that I would always sing this song for her and any other babies I had after.
Enter: Present Day
Kimberleigh was sung that song and now Kaesen gets to hear me belt out the famous Mommy song I chose so many years ago. As we entered the car and put on the radio, no that song didn't come on the radio, but one did come on from my high school days. I looked at them with excitement in my eyes and a big smile and said loudly, almost a shriek really, "OMG THAT IS MY SONG!" Now if you are asking yourself, what is the name of the song, I HAVE NO IDEA. My light bulb burnt yesterday and I haven't made it to Wal Mart to buy a replacement! hehe Regardless, I started singing and as I looked so lovingly at my two girls (Kaesen was asleep before we left the neighborhood) and sang so admiringly to my precious jewels of children, I received a, "What in the world is she doing/singing/please make her stop!" look. I stopped for only a few seconds because these weren't my cooing babies anymore. These were the little women I was raising and... Wait a minute! They are getting serenaded by a mother that cooks, cleans, and well we have went through that list before, and now I am an Opera store in my car and they want me to stop singing. Along with, "Um mom was that song out in 1987 or something? Is that an oldie?", I all of a sudden felt my age. 1987? That is considered an oldie time?! I remember thinking of the 70's and referring that as the oldie's. Hmmmm, maybe my own mom felt this strange and sad twinge of, "They are growing up!" and "1987 is not an oldie" feeling. So I smile, look at the radio, put it a little louder, go to hit another opera note and wait, what is that?! That is not my song on the radio! Justin Bieber is not singing my song! In that instant, I hear two voices singing like they were in front of Simon Cowell along with some little dancing moves that I have yet to figure out and I am scared to attempt for fear of causing some neck pain that will take weeks to get rid of. The singing to my babies had now turned into a Justin Bieber serenade by my children. Where did time go?!
Though today is not my usual "novel" blog, it is one that I hope makes you stop and think about a moment with your babies you want to relive. It could be singing to them, reading a book to them, or even trying to get them to help you wash the dishes and trying to convince them to do so by saying, "It is some quality time we can spend together!" (Disclaimer: usually does not work). Stop, take a breath, and enjoy even the smallest moments this life gives. The next moment will involve so much more but it is in the one that you are in right now that will make the day seem so right no matter what goes wrong.
My Day:
Coffee Time - Check, Kaesen Bottle Time/Mommy Time: Check, Dog in Kennel (not in car): Check, Drive to work (Yep at work!): Check, My Mind: It's on a handmade boat in the middle of the ocean thinking of Starbucks ;)
I am definitely not an American Idol singer and to my 3 children, I am, what some would say, a comical attempter at using my vocal ability. With each of my babies, there is a certain song I would sing to them when they were infants and toddlers. "Baby I Love Your Way". Not quite sure why I chose that song to sing to them. It began with Kaitlyn one day. When we lived in California, it was just her and I most of the time and being a new mommy, I couldn't wait to see what new facial expression she would come up with or what lesson I was going to learn on any given day (FYI: do NOT mix green peas with orange carrot baby food! The combination coming up and out of your baby is much worse than the combination going into your baby!). So one day in my "I want to be the best mommy I could be" moment, I decided to sing to Kaitlyn. And I chose that song off the top of my head. She looked at me with big eyes and a slightly curious expression as if she was trying to figure out if mommy had hurt her throat or was strangling a cat. hehe Either way, I decided that I would always sing this song for her and any other babies I had after.
Enter: Present Day
Kimberleigh was sung that song and now Kaesen gets to hear me belt out the famous Mommy song I chose so many years ago. As we entered the car and put on the radio, no that song didn't come on the radio, but one did come on from my high school days. I looked at them with excitement in my eyes and a big smile and said loudly, almost a shriek really, "OMG THAT IS MY SONG!" Now if you are asking yourself, what is the name of the song, I HAVE NO IDEA. My light bulb burnt yesterday and I haven't made it to Wal Mart to buy a replacement! hehe Regardless, I started singing and as I looked so lovingly at my two girls (Kaesen was asleep before we left the neighborhood) and sang so admiringly to my precious jewels of children, I received a, "What in the world is she doing/singing/please make her stop!" look. I stopped for only a few seconds because these weren't my cooing babies anymore. These were the little women I was raising and... Wait a minute! They are getting serenaded by a mother that cooks, cleans, and well we have went through that list before, and now I am an Opera store in my car and they want me to stop singing. Along with, "Um mom was that song out in 1987 or something? Is that an oldie?", I all of a sudden felt my age. 1987? That is considered an oldie time?! I remember thinking of the 70's and referring that as the oldie's. Hmmmm, maybe my own mom felt this strange and sad twinge of, "They are growing up!" and "1987 is not an oldie" feeling. So I smile, look at the radio, put it a little louder, go to hit another opera note and wait, what is that?! That is not my song on the radio! Justin Bieber is not singing my song! In that instant, I hear two voices singing like they were in front of Simon Cowell along with some little dancing moves that I have yet to figure out and I am scared to attempt for fear of causing some neck pain that will take weeks to get rid of. The singing to my babies had now turned into a Justin Bieber serenade by my children. Where did time go?!
Though today is not my usual "novel" blog, it is one that I hope makes you stop and think about a moment with your babies you want to relive. It could be singing to them, reading a book to them, or even trying to get them to help you wash the dishes and trying to convince them to do so by saying, "It is some quality time we can spend together!" (Disclaimer: usually does not work). Stop, take a breath, and enjoy even the smallest moments this life gives. The next moment will involve so much more but it is in the one that you are in right now that will make the day seem so right no matter what goes wrong.
My Day:
Coffee Time - Check, Kaesen Bottle Time/Mommy Time: Check, Dog in Kennel (not in car): Check, Drive to work (Yep at work!): Check, My Mind: It's on a handmade boat in the middle of the ocean thinking of Starbucks ;)
Friday, March 25, 2011
~ How Do You Fix It ~
As a mom, we want to fix everything that is broken, put a band-aid on every boo boo, and convince our babies that everything will be okay. I remember as a kid and even now, if Mom says it will be okay, it will be okay. Our children have this never ending trust in us to take care of everything and make sure that we will make everything right in the world....
It doesn't even have to be a boo boo to take care of but something as simple as, "Mom where is my white shirt?!" You sit back and look at the stack of laundry waiting to be washed, eyes look to the washing machine knowing you have a batch in there, and then to the dryer and automatically ask yourself, "Do you even know what you dried?" Then your mind wonders to the closets and dressers and then it hits you, "We have a 1000 white pieces of clothing in this house!" But being the mom that we are, we automatically remember the exact white shirt they are speaking about! All is right in the world because you know EXACTLY where it is and then oh oh *eyes close and shoulders slump because you know exactly where this is headed*, it's in the pile of laundry waiting to be washed. No time to wash, dry, and then hand off to the 10 year staring at you like the day is over if she cannot wear that white shirt. But wait, IDEA, (time to change that slightly burnt light bulb because now it's flickering), you offer a different shirt trying to stress that she looks perfectly fine wearing it. Wait here it comes, the eyes rolling, and the infamous, "Fine!" Though it wasn't complete successful win of the war, you did conquer this little battle with a slight injury of, "Instead of waiting until tomorrow to do my dirty laundry, I have to do a white batch of clothes now because just maybe she will remember tomorrow morning that she did not wear that white shirt and want it again! Wait, NO bleach! OMGosh can this get any worse!" Okay maybe a little bigger injury because now you have to include a trip to Wal Mart for that bleach! hehe All this over a white shirt and wanting to make your child smile! This is something that we can fix!
Then there are the moments and boo boos that can't be fixed with a band aid. When they look at you with a complete hurt and you have no answers and no solutions, you try everything in your power to come up with a ways to make this right, make this better. Being a mom holds the responsibility of being a cook (or in my home sometimes, "call your grandfather and asked him what he cooked for supper), a maid, a teacher, a personal shopper, a beautician, a nurse, a doctor, personal chaufeur, wait there is something I am missing, dog groomer, dog feeder, and of course, hero. In the times that life hands your babies their own personal heartache, you are supposed to fly in on your magic mommy carpet and whisk away all the bad. Sometimes it's a quick little heartache, minor tears, "Jimmy told me I didn't look cute today!", ewww boys can be so mean, and your reply, "Tell Jimmy you think he is cute and he will run and won't bother you again!" She smiles and then realizes that 9 year old boys do not want to hear they are cute because girls have "cooties" and that just isn't cool. Problem solved. Yay! The world is right again now onto her next problem, "Mom what are YOU wearing?" You sit back and think, "Wait, how did this turn around on me?!" However, the big heartaches tend to be a little more complicated. Even at 31, my mom still thinks it's her duty to whisk away all my bad and make it all right. Being the wise and sometimes ditzy woman I am, I know that is not possible. My girls have dealt with a lot of heartache in their short years. Many Many Many Days I wanted to just hide them from the world and cover them with this protective shield that all the hurts would bounce off of and they wouldn't even notice. That's not reality. In this instances of no more answers, no more solutions, you simply offer a hug, kiss the top of their head, and say, "It will be okay." It's been my experience that 90% of the time, that simple gesture and saying becomes that protective shield and guess what? All is right in the world.
I really think that we should make ourselves Super Hero Apron's (capes are out of style apparently according to Kimberleigh) and put a big "M" on it (make sure it sparkles and is in a print that is "in" or you too will have the infamous question, "What are YOU wearing?". We can also add patches like the Girl Scouts do for every problem and task that we complete. If you sit and think about it, an apron isn't big enough for all the patches that would be sewn own. There is ONE I missed, SEAMSTRESS!!! But that big "M" is pretty much the only patch we need. We are mothers, we are super heroes. Even when the world is giving us our own war, we look at our children, stand up straight, chin up, and smile. Your war is nothing compared to what you are protecting your babies from: ant bites, mosquitoes, a common cold, finding shoes to match her outfit, you picked the wrong shoes to go with her outfit, softball practice, cheerleading practice, you become the cheerleader because you know every cheer and move, and the list goes on and on. But what we don't see is while protecting our babies from all the boo boos simple and complicated, we are learning to be strong and face our own boo boos. And how does this happen? Because we are mothers, we are the strongest people our children know.
Today begins with: Wake up and Coffee Time with the girls: Check - Bottle Time with Kaesen - Check, "Mom where are my skinny jeans?": Check - "Mom my hair is doing this bumpy thing! Fix it!": Check - Take morning pictures of Kaesen smiling: Check - Girls on their way to school: Check - Baby at Sitter: Check - Traffic: CHECK CHECK - Work: Check - My Mind: I know EXACTLY where it is! It's EXACTLY where I left it! Wait, now if only I could remember where I left it! hehe
It doesn't even have to be a boo boo to take care of but something as simple as, "Mom where is my white shirt?!" You sit back and look at the stack of laundry waiting to be washed, eyes look to the washing machine knowing you have a batch in there, and then to the dryer and automatically ask yourself, "Do you even know what you dried?" Then your mind wonders to the closets and dressers and then it hits you, "We have a 1000 white pieces of clothing in this house!" But being the mom that we are, we automatically remember the exact white shirt they are speaking about! All is right in the world because you know EXACTLY where it is and then oh oh *eyes close and shoulders slump because you know exactly where this is headed*, it's in the pile of laundry waiting to be washed. No time to wash, dry, and then hand off to the 10 year staring at you like the day is over if she cannot wear that white shirt. But wait, IDEA, (time to change that slightly burnt light bulb because now it's flickering), you offer a different shirt trying to stress that she looks perfectly fine wearing it. Wait here it comes, the eyes rolling, and the infamous, "Fine!" Though it wasn't complete successful win of the war, you did conquer this little battle with a slight injury of, "Instead of waiting until tomorrow to do my dirty laundry, I have to do a white batch of clothes now because just maybe she will remember tomorrow morning that she did not wear that white shirt and want it again! Wait, NO bleach! OMGosh can this get any worse!" Okay maybe a little bigger injury because now you have to include a trip to Wal Mart for that bleach! hehe All this over a white shirt and wanting to make your child smile! This is something that we can fix!
Then there are the moments and boo boos that can't be fixed with a band aid. When they look at you with a complete hurt and you have no answers and no solutions, you try everything in your power to come up with a ways to make this right, make this better. Being a mom holds the responsibility of being a cook (or in my home sometimes, "call your grandfather and asked him what he cooked for supper), a maid, a teacher, a personal shopper, a beautician, a nurse, a doctor, personal chaufeur, wait there is something I am missing, dog groomer, dog feeder, and of course, hero. In the times that life hands your babies their own personal heartache, you are supposed to fly in on your magic mommy carpet and whisk away all the bad. Sometimes it's a quick little heartache, minor tears, "Jimmy told me I didn't look cute today!", ewww boys can be so mean, and your reply, "Tell Jimmy you think he is cute and he will run and won't bother you again!" She smiles and then realizes that 9 year old boys do not want to hear they are cute because girls have "cooties" and that just isn't cool. Problem solved. Yay! The world is right again now onto her next problem, "Mom what are YOU wearing?" You sit back and think, "Wait, how did this turn around on me?!" However, the big heartaches tend to be a little more complicated. Even at 31, my mom still thinks it's her duty to whisk away all my bad and make it all right. Being the wise and sometimes ditzy woman I am, I know that is not possible. My girls have dealt with a lot of heartache in their short years. Many Many Many Days I wanted to just hide them from the world and cover them with this protective shield that all the hurts would bounce off of and they wouldn't even notice. That's not reality. In this instances of no more answers, no more solutions, you simply offer a hug, kiss the top of their head, and say, "It will be okay." It's been my experience that 90% of the time, that simple gesture and saying becomes that protective shield and guess what? All is right in the world.
I really think that we should make ourselves Super Hero Apron's (capes are out of style apparently according to Kimberleigh) and put a big "M" on it (make sure it sparkles and is in a print that is "in" or you too will have the infamous question, "What are YOU wearing?". We can also add patches like the Girl Scouts do for every problem and task that we complete. If you sit and think about it, an apron isn't big enough for all the patches that would be sewn own. There is ONE I missed, SEAMSTRESS!!! But that big "M" is pretty much the only patch we need. We are mothers, we are super heroes. Even when the world is giving us our own war, we look at our children, stand up straight, chin up, and smile. Your war is nothing compared to what you are protecting your babies from: ant bites, mosquitoes, a common cold, finding shoes to match her outfit, you picked the wrong shoes to go with her outfit, softball practice, cheerleading practice, you become the cheerleader because you know every cheer and move, and the list goes on and on. But what we don't see is while protecting our babies from all the boo boos simple and complicated, we are learning to be strong and face our own boo boos. And how does this happen? Because we are mothers, we are the strongest people our children know.
Today begins with: Wake up and Coffee Time with the girls: Check - Bottle Time with Kaesen - Check, "Mom where are my skinny jeans?": Check - "Mom my hair is doing this bumpy thing! Fix it!": Check - Take morning pictures of Kaesen smiling: Check - Girls on their way to school: Check - Baby at Sitter: Check - Traffic: CHECK CHECK - Work: Check - My Mind: I know EXACTLY where it is! It's EXACTLY where I left it! Wait, now if only I could remember where I left it! hehe
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
First Day of Blogging My Journey
Who knew that the journey of motherhood would take me to blogging my days of memories, suprises, and adventures. Seems like everywhere we turn the world is advancing at a pace that even the slightest detail of our every day lives gets some sort of interest through twitter, Facebook, and even the relic of MySpace. However, despite all the advances in today's society, being a mom is complicated yet simple with no technological advancements in ourselves. The love and devotion to our babies is a constant that doesn't include an upgrade or a download or a status.
One of my best friends introduced me to blogging and I never did quite understand the point of it. It wasn't until today after reading a very touching and emotional blog of hers that I decided that this could be some sort of release or conversation. Even though no one may reply or comment, you have let out a frustration, talked about a moment that changed you, or something that makes you smile from the inside out.
My journal of my journey will have up moments and down moments. At the age of 31, I have learned that life changes in an instant with good and bad. I will begin this journal talking about my three greatest accomplishments that started this incredible journey for me.
Kaitlyn was born on May 30, 2000. A very quiet and calm baby, Kaitlyn had this peace about her from the moment I laid eyes on her. My pregnancy wasn't planned and I was only married for one year. The thought of having a baby, having this little person depend on me was a frightening thought. At the age of 21, I didn't know what to cook for supper or even make a substantial grocery list much less care for a baby. My mom always told me, "Being a mom comes natural and you will see everything fall into place when you see your baby." So being 21, I relied on mom's advice and anxiously awaited the arrival of my daughter. Arriving 6 weeks early, Kaitlyn Paige came into this world and ever since has become not only my slice of peacefulness but my best friend. Her quiet nature is calming and despite being a huge tomboy, she always needs a hug from me. Those hugs are journey moments I never want to forget.
Kimberleigh was born on November 17, 2001. A very happy and laughing baby, Kimberleigh had this light in her eyes and I knew she would be my firecracker. Kimberleigh came 7 weeks early and stayed in NICU for 3 weeks. I thought I had experienced every emotion already as a mother because I considered myself a "vet!" How could I not be prepared for walking into a NICU and seeing my little baby girl with tubes every where and trying to make it? I remember the moment I saw an IV in her head and I lost it. I wanted to take her home, love her, and fight this battle for her. One thing my daughter taught me in that NICU is that no matter how small you are, you can fight this biggest battle of your life and win. Kimberleigh came home in time for Christmas and to this day, she has a fighting personality that will catch you off guard but make you laugh in one breath. The birth of Kimberleigh and her NICU stay were journey moments of pain, sadness, and then extreme joy. She is known as the Diva in my home and even though she is HUGE personality, she still needs her mom even for the little boo boos.
Enter: Divorce 2006
Enter: Marriage 2010
Enter: Divorce 2010
Kaesen was born on December 31, 2010. You are reading that correctly. I just had my little boy a few short months ago. When I thought I would never have any more children, the Lord blessed me with the most handsome baby. He is already showing a personality trait like his older sister, Kimberleigh, and I am getting ready for his shocking moments. Kasesn was born 5 weeks early. As you can see, my pregnancy journey ends quickly and without warning. I was blessed that he wasn't put in NICU but for only a few short hours to monitor his breathing. During my pregnancy, a lot happened in my life and my focus remained on Kaesen and the two girls. My pregnancy included pre-term labor at 22 weeks, bed rest, and a very interesting journey to the hospital that included my step-mom driving really fast and almost hitting my mom in front of us. Thank you Nissan for the breaks on my car.
So now on to my first official day of blogging. My day consisted of 6 a.m. wake up coffee time for Kaitlyn and Kimberleigh and 6:15 a.m. bottle time for Kaesen. Rush out the door. Girls on bus: Check - Baby in carseat: Check - Traffic: Check - Baby at Sitter: Check - Work: Check - My mind: Wait I think I lost that somewhere. Hmmmm, now where could that thing be! hehe
One of my best friends introduced me to blogging and I never did quite understand the point of it. It wasn't until today after reading a very touching and emotional blog of hers that I decided that this could be some sort of release or conversation. Even though no one may reply or comment, you have let out a frustration, talked about a moment that changed you, or something that makes you smile from the inside out.
My journal of my journey will have up moments and down moments. At the age of 31, I have learned that life changes in an instant with good and bad. I will begin this journal talking about my three greatest accomplishments that started this incredible journey for me.
Kaitlyn was born on May 30, 2000. A very quiet and calm baby, Kaitlyn had this peace about her from the moment I laid eyes on her. My pregnancy wasn't planned and I was only married for one year. The thought of having a baby, having this little person depend on me was a frightening thought. At the age of 21, I didn't know what to cook for supper or even make a substantial grocery list much less care for a baby. My mom always told me, "Being a mom comes natural and you will see everything fall into place when you see your baby." So being 21, I relied on mom's advice and anxiously awaited the arrival of my daughter. Arriving 6 weeks early, Kaitlyn Paige came into this world and ever since has become not only my slice of peacefulness but my best friend. Her quiet nature is calming and despite being a huge tomboy, she always needs a hug from me. Those hugs are journey moments I never want to forget.
Kimberleigh was born on November 17, 2001. A very happy and laughing baby, Kimberleigh had this light in her eyes and I knew she would be my firecracker. Kimberleigh came 7 weeks early and stayed in NICU for 3 weeks. I thought I had experienced every emotion already as a mother because I considered myself a "vet!" How could I not be prepared for walking into a NICU and seeing my little baby girl with tubes every where and trying to make it? I remember the moment I saw an IV in her head and I lost it. I wanted to take her home, love her, and fight this battle for her. One thing my daughter taught me in that NICU is that no matter how small you are, you can fight this biggest battle of your life and win. Kimberleigh came home in time for Christmas and to this day, she has a fighting personality that will catch you off guard but make you laugh in one breath. The birth of Kimberleigh and her NICU stay were journey moments of pain, sadness, and then extreme joy. She is known as the Diva in my home and even though she is HUGE personality, she still needs her mom even for the little boo boos.
Enter: Divorce 2006
Enter: Marriage 2010
Enter: Divorce 2010
Kaesen was born on December 31, 2010. You are reading that correctly. I just had my little boy a few short months ago. When I thought I would never have any more children, the Lord blessed me with the most handsome baby. He is already showing a personality trait like his older sister, Kimberleigh, and I am getting ready for his shocking moments. Kasesn was born 5 weeks early. As you can see, my pregnancy journey ends quickly and without warning. I was blessed that he wasn't put in NICU but for only a few short hours to monitor his breathing. During my pregnancy, a lot happened in my life and my focus remained on Kaesen and the two girls. My pregnancy included pre-term labor at 22 weeks, bed rest, and a very interesting journey to the hospital that included my step-mom driving really fast and almost hitting my mom in front of us. Thank you Nissan for the breaks on my car.
So now on to my first official day of blogging. My day consisted of 6 a.m. wake up coffee time for Kaitlyn and Kimberleigh and 6:15 a.m. bottle time for Kaesen. Rush out the door. Girls on bus: Check - Baby in carseat: Check - Traffic: Check - Baby at Sitter: Check - Work: Check - My mind: Wait I think I lost that somewhere. Hmmmm, now where could that thing be! hehe
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