~ Bonds that Can't be Broken ~

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what; maybe you’ll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there is also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you, sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

I watched Bride Wars (for the 1000th time) this weekend and for the first time, I really paid attention to this quote said at the end.  There was the montage of both brides smiling and hugging and it hit me...  Who is that person or those people that have been standing beside you all along and there is a bond that can't ever be broken.  You can find this bond in a spouse but even that bond can be tested and broken but it's that bond with a best friend or best friends that despite life and tests, you can always pick up right where you left off and say, "Girl let me tell you!" ;o)

Through life you have friends, close friends, best friends, and friends that are really enemies.  The distinguishing between each group can be a hazy line.  However, there is always that group and that line that is distinguished and prominent.   It goes beyond best friends, it is a hand holding, shoulder crying, i hate you and you hate me, okay we are fine now let's go get Starbucks, plotting and scheming, laughing at only inside jokes you know, no word conversations but knowing exactly what is being said, finishing a statement or thought you or her began, try this drink, yuck you try THIS drink, try this dessert, YUM give me that dessert!, and they complete you (especially when they give you their dessert hehe).  There are porch nights, balcony nights, road trips that are supposed to be 4 hours but turn into 8 because of the 1000 picture stops and a giant peach butt, rose bushes at midnight, 007 with a car door open and lights on, start in Alabama and end up in Florida and not sure where the wrong turn occured, dancing, matching outfits, DJ booths, late night Cane Run's, Mexican food, Star Spangled Banner, State Trooper, Median on the Interstate, spray tan, and the infamous, "What did we do? Wait we did that!  OMGosh that was so fun!" mornings.

It's been my experience people and even something as petty as pageants will come in between friends that have known each other for years.  However, with the friends that are truly friends will somehow reconnect again and it's like none of the bad has ever happened.  You can have the worst fight imaginable and with one phone call, the hurt, the stinging words, the anger goes away and you are planning a shopping excursion with margaritas and food with the closest person or people that know you better than you know yourself. 

I don't have a sister but I consider a few people in this world that I would consider my closest thing to it.  Fate brought us together but God made us sisters at heart.  I can turn to them at my lowest moment and my greatest moment.  Doesn't matter if we are fighting or getting along, I can pick up the phone and say, "O M G!"  These women are the extended family that lend an ear and at times a hug.  As in Bride Wars, they are they are the person that has been standing by you all along.  We are mom's, we are heroes, but we are friends, we are best friends.  We like to have conversations outside of what's for dinner, where's your shoes, we need milk, or the many conversations that revolve our mommy status.  We all have that need to have talks about Victor leaving Nikki on Young and the Restless, my hair is a mess and I need help who do you recommend, I need a margarita with chips and salsa, or I just need someone to listen.  Someone to not say a word and let you cry, laugh, scream, sit in silence, plot revenge with you, sit on the side of you and say, "Let's do that again!", and just be there.  If you have this person or people that can be there for you like this, you are blessed.....  We are blessed.... 

~ Deep Breath, Eyes Close, Eyes Open, One last Glance, Turn Away, Take a Step ~

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Do you remember when you were 8 or 9 and playing with Barbie and Ken?  You had an image of the life they were supposed to have and it played out everyday in your room or living room or outside by the ditch that was a "paradise oasis."  Even as a young girl, we all had a vision of how life was going to be when we grew up.

Enter:  Growing up.

Growing up is never fun.  Though there are moments of complete bliss, fear, confusion, happiness, sorrow, ups and downs, somehow at the end of the day we come to the conclusion that growing up is never fun.  The life that we had planned for ourselves wasn't happening.  Maybe the life that was had envisioned was finally coming true but then one day you wake up and something has derailed the fairytale train.  Life gives little moments of sweetness when you remember so strongly that wish you made on that star on that night and oh my goodness, it's coming true and... Wait, what's that?  The train went off the tracks.  The sweet moment life has handed us leaves us feeling as if all the wind has been knocked out of you.  What happened to that vision you had?  Gone.  However, turn around and what's that you see?  The life you were and are meant to have.  Though it is NOTHING like you had originally planned and it went the complete opposite way of the wish that you placed upon that star, you have to take a step and walk.

As we go through life, we quickly discover that no matter how many plans are made or how many wishes are put on stars, there are paths that we are meant to take.  Despite the curiousity and strength and chin up determination in hand, we have the hurt of the loss of what we have lost.  But what are we really mourning?  Is it what we indeed did lose or the hope of what we wanted is no longer there?  I think if we were to sit and really think about it the hope is what we mourn the most.  The "what could have been" sits with us and the "What If's?" and the "Just Maybe's" plague us like the second piece of chocolate cake that we should not have had in our moment of despair.  Don't we all wish that the chocolate cake or that tub of ice cream would take away all of the questions with no answers like it takes away the diet we have been on for the past month. Questions with no answers.  I am sure as you sit and read this you can come across one time in your life where you had a ton of questions and there wasn't a single answer to any of them.

Letting go of anything, anyone, any hope, any dream, even that pair of pants that has been your set goal, is never easy.  You ponder every moment, every second, every minute, every hour of what you have lost.  The key is to figure out how stop pondering and look ahead.  There is that saying,

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

Every one of us has a door that has closed and sometime we glance back at it, try to walk past it and hope it opens, tip toe up to it and wiggle the door knob, knock on it, bang on it, take a huge pillar of wood and try to ram it open, kick it, lean on it and cry, and try to search with all of our might for the key that will open it.  But if it's meant to be closed, there is no amount of human force or will that is going to open that door.  The trick is to try and when you realize there is no getting that door open and no it's not jammed closed, you should look around and you will see that maybe there are a few doors open, some are slightly ajar, and some are closed but are unlocked. It is taking that step and saying, "Okay I will walk through that open door, peek inside that slightly open door, and I will wiggle that door knob to see if it is open."

“One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.” – Michael Cibenko

Today let go of what needs to be let go and hold on to everything that is worth fighting for.  Learn the difference betweent the two and you will soon feel that relief....  The relief of weight that isn't on your shoulders, but on your heart.  It is remarkable at the lightness your heart will feel and then you will see the door open, slightly ajar, or just simply unlocked is in there.  The simple thing of allowing yourself, someone, or anything to walk through that door is the key to seeing what else is possible or waiting.  The joy of life comes in the surprises that are never expected.

~ No Regrets ~

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.  ~Arthur Miller

Regret.  Each day we face a "regret" somewhere in our life.  We regretted that extra cup of coffee because we have a 45 minute commute to work, the pizza that, even though it smelled and tasted so good, your thighs will be hating you because of the regretful pound you have just added, that extra spoon of whip cream - wait it's just an extra spoon of whip cream - what harm will that do really?!, regretting that you loved having the wind blow in your hair with all your windows down in the car but to soon realize the wind was a storm on its way and you now have the Pacific Ocean on your floorboards and your car smells like wet feet with a hint of oh no!,a mean comment, a mean look, a lost moment, a bad choice.  With all these regrets, the key is to finding the RIGHT regrets.  Now to just sort through the massive box of regrets putting the wrong regrets in their pile and the right regrets in their pile and the "I really don't know if that's a regret or a I don't want to remember I did that" in their pile.

Let's look at the regrets that most can live with.  We will get to the regrets that shaped us, molded us, and taught us to never pass up a chance and live with another regret.  Okay the extra cup of coffee is easy!  Don't drink it.  Wait, that's not easy because most need that first cup to open our eyes, breathe, and function in the first 15 minutes of morning without having a warning label stuck to your butt.  The second cup is for the "Awww, this day will be okay, I think, well I hope, doesn't matter, I made it through the first cup."  Let's leave that regret to a need to occur basis.  One never knows how the mornings will go when our feet hit the floor.  Pizza!  Oh my favorite regret!  A Pizza Hut, Super Supreme, Extra Cheese!  YUMMY!  That Super Supreme leaves a Super Supreme bloat and poundage!  But the cheese pulls off and hangs there from the plate to the box.  What is one to do?!  Well of course, seperate at the box!  Can't leave the excess just lieing there on the pizza, to the side of the pizza, near the pizza.  Lunch? Pizza! hehe  Now this regret is easy. DO NOT ORDER PIZZA if you are even REMOTELY on a diet.  You are asking for regret and sadness.  You regret the choice then figure you already ate half of it might as well finish the rest.  Why not?  You are not a quitter and you are already sad and the last bit of mushrooms, and meats, and of course, cheese, would really perk you up!  Simple regret that can be worked off with exercise (20 hours nonstop on the treadmill) and avoiding every Pizza Hut known to man.  Oh and did I mention my FAVORITE at Pizza Hut - Hershey Dunkers (this is a regret I could live oh and Fudgees!).  Pass over the whip cream. 

Okay picture this cloudy day, wind blowing, and you decide that's it's the perfect to roll down the windows and just be one with the wind and "Life in the Fast Lane" blaring on the radio. Enter car, windows down, radio - Um no "Life in the Fast Lane," your daughter's Justin Bieber CD?!- oh well Baby Baby Baby will have to do. Interstate 70 mph, more clouds (hmmm this is a sign), more wind (another sign), wind blowing the car to the left (MAJOR SIGN), was that light..? Oh wait turn off cd, BRITNEY SPEARS on the radio! Time to Jam!  As you are feeling like you are 16 with your license for the first time, singing like a Grammy winner, it never occurs to you the massive storm approaching.   Pull into the driveway.  Got to bob the head until the song is over, song over, car off.  Get out, take a deep breath (on Cloud 9 of teenage lightness), enter house - Laundry and back to reality.  The rain starts and you think it's washing away all the dirt and grime and you love the rain and it's smell and open windows and 10 minutes pass when you look out onto the yard and monsoon (hurricane force winds and battering) rain, there it is. O M G.  You left ALL the windows down on your car with cloth seats, cloth everything.  You run outside, wait forgot the keys (now stop a moment, doesn't it seem like the rain gets harder and heavier when you need to get to something outside), run back inside, keys where are the keys (another 10 minutes has elapsed), keys!!, run outside (you are soaked worse than Spongebob in Bikini Bottom), open the door, your feet splatter into the Bay of Campeche (spelling?), turn key, windows up, close door, run inside.  Awwww, all is well.  That is until you then see the sun start to come out 30 seconds after entering the door and the heat hits and you see your car becoming a sauna or plant house that will no doubt grown some sort of strange smell and fungus that could possibly cure some sort of disease.  The inside of your car is drenched.  Your floorboards are like little mirages of pools that your daughters Barbie's could sit by.  Your seats would work well to wipe off any Jolly Green Giants countertops.  And the smell.  The smell starts to hit not a day later.  The regret - should have rolled up the windows!  Please note, roll up the windows in good weather, bad weather, unexpected weather, or whenever.  Not only does rain pose an issue. Try being in a vehicle with two screaming girls because there is a Bumblebee flying around like he is in Star Wars chasing the enemy! 

Then there are the regrets that nothing can fix or erase or mop or kill with bug spray or diet away from.  Each day consists of each moment and all it takes is that one moment to have the biggest regret.  Those regrets hit hard and stay around longer than your mildewed carpets in the car and the smell that you have had detailed over 5 times!  Should have never decided the wind was a sign to be free on the interstate!  Anyway, as I read that quote up above, I tried to take an inventory of every regret small or large that I had accumulated to date.  I noticed as I tried to sort them, I had more bad regrets than right regrets (with a few, "I don't want to remembers").  I thought to myself, "Geeze, I really have made choices that have altered the course of my life."  I wanted to say, well if I wouldn't have done that or said that, I would be in a better place.  But all regrets good and bad are a part of fate.  Think about it. We all have a certain path to travel and maybe regrets are part of the scenic route.  They are included with the tour and you can't get out of the option to have them. Wouldn't it be nice that you would have this package option of what you wanted out of life and what you didn't and you would check off all you the things you didn't?  Even though we wish things would have been different and say, "Shoulda Woulda Coulda but Didn't," we are human.  The man up above has a plan for us and even though we aren't sure why we did the things we did, it's part of a greater plan.  You learn from your choices and you move on.  But with being human, comes with free will and regrets. Regrets about that pizza and regrets about life altering decisions.  But even with our biggest regrets, we get to a point where you know that regret lead you to someplace greater.  There was a sore spot in between but wait, what's that?  Destiny.  Looking at regrets big or small this pile or that pile will not get you anywhere.  There is a reason you made the choice you did and in the end, it was meant to be that way.  Guess the trick is to figure out how to accept that....

Checklist:  Kaesen up with Bottle Time: Check, Girls sleep in for an extra 15 minutes: Check, "where are my shoes, belt, did you find my shirt?, lunch money (no! You are bringing a sandwich): Check, All three children and myself in car: Check, Keys?  Crap, back in house, there they are: Check - Girls at school: Check, Kaesen at Sitter: Check, Traffic: Check - Work: Check - My Mind:  It flew out the window while I was singing Britney Spears! :)

~ The 80's, 90's, and Today ~

Yesterday morning was like any other morning for my little family.  Girls got up, got dressed, Kaesen fed and cooing as always, rush around the house making sure that all the lights were out, head count of everyone (sometimes I accidentally count the dog!), and off we go to start our day.  With everything that is going on in my life, I usually, 90% of the time, almost always, forget to stop take a breath, smile, and enjoy whatever moment I am in.  However, in the middle of loading everyone and everything in the car, it hit to do something I had not done in a long time....

I am definitely not an American Idol singer and to my 3 children, I am, what some would say, a comical attempter at using my vocal ability.  With each of my babies, there is a certain song I would sing to them when they were infants and toddlers.  "Baby I Love Your Way".  Not quite sure why I chose that song to sing to them.  It began with Kaitlyn one day.  When we lived in California, it was just her and I most of the time and being a new mommy, I couldn't wait to see what new facial expression she would come up with or what lesson I was going to learn on any given day (FYI:  do NOT mix green peas with orange carrot baby food! The combination coming up and out of your baby is much worse than the combination going into your baby!).  So one day in my "I want to be the best mommy I could be" moment, I decided to sing to Kaitlyn.  And I chose that song off the top of my head.  She looked at me with big eyes and a slightly curious expression as if she was trying to figure out if mommy had hurt her throat or was strangling a cat.  hehe  Either way, I decided that I would always sing this song for her and any other babies I had after. 

Enter:  Present Day

Kimberleigh was sung that song and now Kaesen gets to hear me belt out the famous Mommy song I chose so many years ago.  As we entered the car and put on the radio, no that song didn't come on the radio, but one did come on from my high school days.  I looked at them with excitement in my eyes and a big smile and said loudly, almost a shriek really, "OMG THAT IS MY SONG!"  Now if you are asking yourself, what is the name of the song, I HAVE NO IDEA.  My light bulb burnt yesterday and I haven't made it to Wal Mart to buy a replacement! hehe  Regardless, I started singing and as I looked so lovingly at my two girls (Kaesen was asleep before we left the neighborhood) and sang so admiringly to my precious jewels of children, I received a, "What in the world is she doing/singing/please make her stop!" look.  I stopped for only a few seconds because these weren't my cooing babies anymore.  These were the little women I was raising and...  Wait a minute!  They are getting serenaded by a mother that cooks, cleans, and well we have went through that list before, and now I am an Opera store in my car and they want me to stop singing.  Along with, "Um mom was that song out in 1987 or something?  Is that an oldie?", I all of a sudden felt my age.  1987?  That is considered an oldie time?!  I remember thinking of the 70's and referring that as the oldie's.  Hmmmm, maybe my own mom felt this strange and sad twinge of, "They are growing up!" and "1987 is not an oldie" feeling.  So I smile, look at the radio, put it a little louder, go to hit another opera note and wait, what is that?!  That is not my song on the radio!  Justin Bieber is not singing my song!  In that instant, I hear two voices singing like they were in front of Simon Cowell along with some little dancing moves that I have yet to figure out and I am scared to attempt for fear of causing some neck pain that will take weeks to get rid of.  The singing to my babies had now turned into a Justin Bieber serenade by my children.  Where did time go?! 

Though today is not my usual "novel" blog, it is one that I hope makes you stop and think about a moment with your babies you want to relive.  It could be singing to them, reading a book to them, or even trying to get them to help you wash the dishes and trying to convince them to do so by saying, "It is some quality time we can spend together!" (Disclaimer:  usually does not work).  Stop, take a breath, and enjoy even the smallest moments this life gives.  The next moment will involve so much more but it is in the one that you are in right now that will make the day seem so right no matter what goes wrong.

My Day:

Coffee Time - Check, Kaesen Bottle Time/Mommy Time:  Check, Dog in Kennel (not in car):  Check, Drive to work (Yep at work!): Check, My Mind:  It's on a handmade boat in the middle of the ocean thinking of Starbucks ;)